What makes a good D/s relationship?

I've listened to many a conversation recently about the lifestyle, and what makes a good sub/slave and more recently, what makes a Dom/me as such. I don't think there's a real clear definition. One that fits to satisfy everyone.



I listened to some definitions the other night in a chat, and one of the Domme's description on what makes her a Dominant, could have fit me. However, I am clearly NOT a Domme, nor do I want to be. I am in every other aspect of my life, I do not want to dominate in my personal relationship. So is that what makes the distinction?



I also heard someone who said, that he offers himself to teach mentor, never portray himself to be anything other than what he is. Well I do that as well. I've had many sisters come to me since I've "come out" and ask for advise. I'm honored that they feel they can come to me, I only have my personal opinion nothing else.



So what does make a good 24/7 relationship? Is it only the D/s that makes it solid, or is there more? What about general compatibility? Likes and dislikes outside the fetish checklist. OR, is the fetish checklist enough to get started, and then see where the compatibility lies? Is general compatibility even important?



For example, the Dominant likes the outdoors, so does this mean the submissive will learn to like the outdoors simply because the Dominant does, or should there be some middle ground before the relationship goes further? How much do we look for in a potential partner in the lifestyle outside fetish? Is fetish only for BDSM play? It's easy to hand over control in a sexual situation, but what about outside the bedroom. What about something as easy as what's for dinner? What about what time you take a shower? What shows if any will be watched? I'm not talking about a Master/slave relationship here, or should I be. Can you be 24/7 without being a slave?



How does one determine how much control you will hand over in a 24/7 relationship. And how do you determine when you give over that control. How easy/difficult is it to maintain protocol in every day life. I mean it's one thing when you are actually in a scene, but what about when the dishwasher overflows, supper is late because work wouldn't let you go, or traffic was horrendous. How realistic is it for Sir or Master to really place the blame on your shoulders? I've read many an account where a sub ends up in a frenzy because such a situation is out of her control, but fears the reprocussions. I certainly don't want to live life like that. To me that's basically equal to an abusive relationship. How do I know, because I've lived in one. Any time there's fear, one should evaluate the situation. Really take a hard look.



How would the situation be handled in a non D/s relationship. Would there be aggrivation, frustration- sure. If there is fear- run. Especially in a D/s relationship. This is a person who you place your trust in. To me, of course this is my own opinion, fear is not represented by trust. You trust this person with your physical, emotional, and spiritual well being. Sure there's always punishment for certain actions, even then there should never be fear. Aprehension, sure. Punnishment is just that, you know you've done wrong in His/Her eyes. Sometimes, knowing that alone is punnishment enough, but to actually "fear" a reaction or the punishment? Evaluate.

Defining me

Master was in a tormenting mood today. He wanted to torture and believe me that man finds many ways in which to do it. Until the work situation is resolved, we have stolen days every few weeks. It’s a catch 22, the time apart gives me time to adjust to learning what it truly means to be his submissive. I am so fiercely independent, but slowly I find myself asking, and not just doing and taking for granted. The other night, I heard myself ask if I could go have a smoke. WOW, where did that come from? It just slipped out, and as I heard the words coming from my own lips, I was amazed. Yet as amazed as I was, somehow it also felt right. On the other hand, the time apart kills us both, having to utilize technology to maintain the bond.

In a journal to him today though I mentioned how I am also amazed at the “presence” he has in my psyche even when I can’t see or hear him. I’ve been surfing the web for some lingerie/toys/restraints and I haven’t made a single purchase, because on one hand, I want him to approve the purchase so I’m not wasting money, but on the other hand, I want my purchases to be a surprise. Well, he’ll be reading this, so, so much for surprises I guess *grins*.

We had a banter the other day, well we’ve bantered about this from time to time. While I have only “discovered” the sub side of me a little over a year and a half ago, the sub nature has always been there. I’ve written about that before. I never knew about D/s, so how could I know what I was. However, what I did know was that kink turned me on. All the fetish videos, restraints, being taken, used for pleasure, serving. Those were all parts of me that boiled under the surface. I just never knew there was an entire lifestyle around it.

I wanted to let the bad girl out to play, but society dictated (as well as hubby at the time) that THAT bad girl was better left inside the mind.

Now I find myself in a position (well many positions thanks to Master and his use of ropes *grins*) where I can unlock those dark corners of my mind and explore. Not just explore, but experience. You see, Master has those dark corners too. Corners that he kept locked up as well. Neither one of us needs the lock any more, because the other holds the key and has opened the door to expression, creativity, and exploration.

I watch the glimmer in his eye when his wheels are turning, and instead of backing away, I am eagerly waiting for each time that Beast is set free and I’m the lucky participant. Oh yes, I’m the lucky participant.

It’s a wonderful feeling knowing I can dig deep and tell him a fantasy and I’m not looked at with a combination of astonishment/disgust. You know that look I’m talking about, the one that’s usually accompanied by a very long uncomfortable silence and then some sort of feeble acknowledgement that you even made a suggestion. Then you quickly change the subject, knowing that on some level you’re now looked at as a freak. Remember those days?

I was reading a blog in another social network and it was a question/answer blog. The question was most unusual place you’ve had sex. The answer was when I was married, the couch. *sighs* I remember those days all too well. At least now when there’s couch sex, it usually involves some sort of odd position, implement of pain, and if I’m very lucky restraints and a red ass.

In so many ways I am a lucky submissive to have a Master who gives me as much latitude as he does. My writing is my own. I can practice my craft in whatever medium I so choose. I am free to express opinions (within reason I suppose), he doesn’t outwardly control every aspect of my life. But yet every action has become one with him in mind. What I wear to work, what I change into when I come home. Hell even what I make for dinner each night, I think “Master would really enjoy having this tonight”. I can’t wait for the day when I am cooking for him daily. Soon, not soon enough, but soon. I can’t wait until I can kneel every day. Feel that centered grounding place. God I love that place. The “yes, this is where I’ve longed to be all day” place.

Some who don’t understand the need to please and the need to serve would say that I’m losing who I am. The strong independent me who doesn’t take shit from anyone. To that I simply answer, being able to serve has only made me stronger in who I am. Having a Master whose convictions so closely match my own has given me more strength to be the woman I’ve always longed to be. I know that I please him, and that makes me stronger in everything that I do as an employee, friend, sibling, mother, daughter. It also gives me the freedom to let go, surrender the control, put myself into his hands. There’s no greater feeling in the world for me than to know I’m serving, I’m pleasing, I’m loved, I’m used, I’m treasured.

Yeah, it’s the brass ring all right, and I’m holding on tight.